This has been a very difficult week. After I posted on Saturday I had another late night breakdown. Sunday I felt almost hungover, pressure-type headache, tired, etc. Monday I had to work a weird schedule because I just could not get out of bed to be at work at a normal hour. Yesterday morning I forgot to take my meds, a fact I didn't discover until much later. I felt typically miserable at work, was crying at times, finally went home with nausea and cried and cried and... Finally I called the social work contact at Canberra Hospital who promised she would pass on my needs to the community (Belconnen) client service people who would call me back. It's 24 hours later and I haven't heard back. After the phone call I slept for about 4 hours, got up, ate, read science fiction, read email and watched mindless TV (all comfort activities). By this time I had discovered why I had felt so awful all day. The person I talked to at Canberra Hospital questioned my ability to increase my anti-depressants and I told her how hard it was to go down that path and that it would take months just to get the appointments made. So I self medicated by taking another half dose of Luvox, and I do seem to be on a more even keel internally with that. I really felt out of control and the slightest thing would send me off. Today I worked a bit in the yard--hung out wash, cleaned up the last of the berries (but don't think I'm finished!), cleaned up the results of my rear neighbour's tree clearing (much welcomed), weeded a little in the strawberry patch, found a few spears of asparagus, and found mint getting into my raised veggie beds. Inside I brought in 3 boxes of Bear memorabilia from the Shed, and among very old and musty university teaching (I think) notes, lots of letters to Betty which I extracted for her, more notes of meetings 17 years ago, half written on pads of paper, etc. I will probably never need a pad of paper ever again. He often wrote on 2 or 3 pages and then it got bundled into a lot of other stuff. And throughout these days I have still been doing paperwork for him, like the car finance, and getting things ready for the last super claim. I have an appointment for someone to come and look at the books, am making arrangements to get the Civil War books moved and trying my best to get 2 J's to come over to my house on Friday because it will be our 16th anniversary and I don't want to be alone.
On the loom front, I have booked a mover and now have to rent a unit to put it in. I so wish I had it where I could see it, play with it, just know it was mine but I just have no room now. I am such am impatient person and that's one of the biggest character flaws I battle. I hate waiting. However, I would have waited years for the Bear, had we had them. Waiting the 5 months between when I left him after our pre-honeymoon and when I returned for our wedding was agony and lots of phone bills and online activity.
We have also had very bad behaviour by the Imp. She got out the front when I was taking things to the recycling bin and when I caught her I smacked her as hard as I dared along with much scolding. She got out the back when i brought the Bear's boxes in, and I chased her down and scolded her and gave her grass to eat. Then I made a second trip to shut the shed and she dashed out again and this time I smacked her till she squawked and told her how bad she was. I am torn about whether trying again to put a harness on her (should I be successful which is doubtful) would only encourage her in believing that outside is an OK place to be. Is it just novelty? The hunt for grass? Her general impish behaviour (I'll do whatever I like whenever I like)? Burmese don't live as outdoor cats and her inclinations to race off at high speed mean I can't let her to meander even supervised. She'd be off and up a tree or over a fence much faster than I could follow and she has no fear of anything. She is now asleep on my left arm but will be dislodged when I hit "publish post."