Thursday, August 09, 2007

I have surrendered to the pain and fatigue. I didn't go to weaving last night and have dropped the class. I just can't concentrate sufficiently for 3 hours to make the class worth either my while or have the instructor helping me all the time when there are other students to help. I went home after my Bowen therapist unlocked all my knots and got rid of the headache I'd had for 2 days by unkinking my neck and shoulders. I picked up a box of books from Amazon and one was Being a Widow by Lynn Caine and she lost her husband to liver cancer as well. Everything she said in the first 25 pages just rang in me like a bell. It was all exactly what I was feeling and going through. That's when I decided that I needed to get my body back under control. I tried to take a nap but was awakened by my SIL who was answering my email about coming to visit. I cried a lot to her and promised to arrange something. Now that my class isn't occupying one night a week, I can go whenever I want. I'd like to get some more of the paperwork sorted out, but maybe next month I'll have a handle on it.

This is the worst thing that ever happened to me and from the book I may have at least a year before I feel anywhere near human again. I am the grips of this horrible feeling which only another widow can really understand. Please bear with me. My fiber world does help me and I knit socks and watched TV last night with cats on my lap. That's my comfort zone.


Jan said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now and have left a few comments before. Be kind to yourself. As you are starting to realise, this could take some time. Look after yourself physically, as spiritually and emotionally is partly dependent on the physical And don't beat yourself up about what you can or can't do on any one day.

(Sorry. just realised this may sound all "preachy' and superior. It wasn't meant to.)

Kylie said...

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.It's been just over a year since Dad has gone and Mum still has bad days. I know you don't want another person to say it( i know i didn't)but it does get better.Take Care.

Taueret said...

Carol, keep on hanging in there. Have you come across "the year of magical thinking" yet? I imagine you have. WIsh I could help.