Well, I told you I was wondering why I wrote this blog and I haven't come up with enough things of import in the past 2 months to write about. I have come out of my depression without intervention by a professional (fortunate, since my appointment with the shrink isn't until April). I have started work at the Library as a volunteer doing not very interesting material but it was good to see all the friendly faces. My physical well being improves. My back no longer hurts except for occasions when anybody's back would hurt: long time spent bending over, etc. I continue to have pain in my leg muscles after I walk any distance which is disappointing because walking was how I wanted to get fit. One day of walking means I am very sore the next day. I've had my enthusiastic Bhutanese gardener go after weeds in my garden. The Canberra weather has been extremely bizarre: cold and wet which is hardly a typical summer. My tomatoes don't know what to do when we had an all-time record low for January of 1C. They produce a handful of tomatoes. The lima beans are still going and have produced pods. I made 2 batches of zucchini pickle relish from blimps produced in the garden. We are at this moment having a hailstorm. Housewise, I got the drains cleaned out, have been nagging my gutter repairman to do the job he signed up for in November, and had to get my old DVD player wired into the new digital set-up because my new whiz-bang DVD player/recorder won't play region 1 DVDs and there is no hack for it that I could find. Since I have hundreds of American DVDs, this was not permissible so I had to take a step back to an older DVD player that has been hacked.

Otherwise, I read, watch TV, spin, work on my family history. The photo above is one I scanned from a collection of photos my sister had. I've made a couple of contacts with distant, previously unknown, relatives. I managed to get some data for my MIL's genealogy search as well. Books: I finished Judgement of Caesar by Stephen Saylor. I love his Roman mysteries and have read every one. I also finished Stephen Fry's second volume of autobiography, The Fry Chronicles. I raced through the Steve Jobs biography which I found absolutely riveting. What a complicated, driven, genius of a man. We will miss his mark on society since he personally approved of every tiny detail of every Apple product. I have been an Apple fan for a long time and now know some of the why. I bought a first generation Macintosh the first month they were on the market. My BBBB is now is Thames by Peter Ackroyd. My previous BBBBs proved not to be sleep inducing and are therefore languishing half read. I've been reading science fiction on my Kindle. I go through so many hard science/space opera novels that it hardly bears listing them.

I spun coffee brown BFL, some hand dyed BFL in blues, browns, and roses, and am now into 15 oz of merino & tencel in a lovely aqua/sea green. Bought two lots under different colour names from two different vendors and it turned out to be the same thing. I spin so much and knit so little that I wish I could sell some. My current new favourite TV show is Homeland partly because I love Damien Lewis. I am also a fan of the Canadian series The Republic of Doyle and Flashpoint. I am watching the British mini-series Exile because I love John Simm.

Next week I see the eye surgeon, have a mammogram, and I intend to make appointments for my teeth, the cat's annual check-up, and my hair. I am finally tired of the locks enough that they're coming off again. This weekend I am going blackberrying in the state forest with some of the girls. This assumes there are blackberries given the weird weather and that it doesn't rain.

Is that enough for 2 months? Don't know whether there is enough interest in what I do write, but I'll continue to update my waiting audience when there is something to post. Maybe after I start the weaving course in 2 weeks.

This Friday was officially my last day of work. Thursday was the last day I was physically present and had my going away party. The kind folks I worked with combined enough money for me to buy a Kindle (Hooray for the weak US dollar!) as I discovered my weakened hands are having trouble holding books. It don't mean I will stop buying books because I can't imagine a knitting book on a Kindle! Best sellers I don't intend on keeping can be in digital format. While I really enjoyed the work I did, I was having more and more difficulty actually making it to work. I could have done large chunks of it from home but that is frowned upon for OH&S reasons. What difference does it make to the end project if I do authority work lying in bed?

My current difficult-to-read paperback (bound tightly and printed into the spine) is Rainbows End by Vernor Vinge. I had admired his earlier stuff but thought he had retired or died, so finding a new book as of 2006, that is actually about digitizing library books is a treat. Wearable hardware and constant connection are among the future (2025) as he imagines it. I almost think that free wireless broadband access should be a utility that everybody should have access to.

The genealogy research has so far gotten me back through the Stanton line on my mother's side to the Puritans who came to New England in 1635. I've learned about the Revolutionary Battle of Long Island (which I don't remember from school) and wonder if some of the mysterious movements of some ancestors to Canada were because they were Royalists. Ancestry is a very deep well of information and the farther back you go, the more people are related to you. I am technically an only child but I now have thousands of relatives.

I've had two dream in a row where i was working on a cruise ship. What does this mean? I'd do the cruise around Hawaii again in a heartbeat.

I watched the movie District 9 on DVD last night and found it very disturbing. The new improved Peter Jackson seemed to think it partly a comedy, but this from a man who used to make splatter horror films. I've lived in the southern hemisphere long enough that I can understand South African English better than I can some of the varieties of the King's English I hear on British TV. I thought it a cheap shot to paint Nigerians as the bad guys instead of using native black South Africans. Politically correct but a cheap shot. I encourage watching the movie but be prepared for unpleasant ethical responses as well as a lot of shooting and splatter.

I was planning on a lot of garden work but we have rain forecast for the next 3 days. Maybe I'll just start my squash seedlings and do housework.

I am just in from mowing the lawn. I am pooped but my knee is no worse than it would have been walking around inside. I am itching to dig up all those dandelions I mowed and trim the edges and weed the veggie beds and finish the berries and.... but I won't. There is more asparagus to pick and I generated a lot of clover mulch for the various beds. I was momentarily stalled when a flock of about a dozen silvereyes descended on the two junior plums which are in bloom. It never occurred to me that they were nectar eaters but those sharp little bills are perfect for sticking in flower blossoms. As long as I didn't move they were happy to hop from flower to flower, hanging upside down when necessary, drinking their fill about 8 feet from me. When the flock devolved to two birds I apologised and restarted the lawn mower.

My knee has made no progress from my last post. I went in to work on Thursday to attend the festivities around the Director-General's retirement from the Library. She is a very nice person and she will be missed. I spent the rest of the time getting signatures on my exit documents proving I didn't have any books checked out or laptops borrowed. That involved walking all over the Library so I left a little early and went to pick up my new contacts. They are a bit uncomfortable but new lenses always take a while to break in. They are also green, so my eyes are their natural colour for the first time in my lens-wearing life.

I have D's second sock 75% finished and I have been switching over to finishing off the black alpaca while watching the fourth and final season of The Unit. It was one of my favourite TV shows that was shown sporadically on Aussie free-to-air TV and now pops up on cable. The characters are so well acted and the plots a constant string of James Bond/Bourne exploits. Sure, I know it's not real, although the writers came up with the idea about holding captives on a ship at sea before it was known the CIA was doing just that. I suppose 4 seasons is all that could be expected, but their final season spent a lot of time in Afghanistan, which is an ongoing series of its own. I'll have to make do with Burn Notice.

My current reading is The Road by Cormac McCarthy, which so far is bleak.

My genealogical investigations turned up my great-grandfather working at the Schenectady Locomotive Works according to the 1880 census. Sometime after that the family moved out of New York but the 1900 census was burned in a fire. Good Wives has also shed light on early New England life where the upper class employed the lower class to sweep their floors and mind their children. The idea of the communion of the town only stretches so far and didn't stretch to equality of the sexes much less to class rank. It seems that the Puritans only wanted to escape parts of Old England.

As one might have expected, my sister did not last long with that diagnosis. Like the Bear, she passed on within a month, dying July 2. July 1 was That Anniversary and to have my sister follow close behind was a like a hammer hitting me twice. Here I was supposed to be taking time off to prep the house and I didn't get much of that done. I got a cold then which kept me in bed for several days and the remaining time has been spent frantically planning a trip to the States. My sister's memorial is the 17th.

BFB has her own rocky journey. Her blog is here. I couldn't go to the US without checking in on her so I'm doing another rambling road trip that gets me to see a few folks at short notice while probably leaving me flat. I'll be back the beginning of August and this time I don't promise to blog on the road. It's a test drive of my wits and new knees. I did have the very pleasant experience of the dr's receptionist verifying my birth date when I rolled up to his surgery because she couldn't believe the person standing in front of her was the age on my records. I must be doing something right because this happens quite frequently. I guess the fatigue doesn't show, or all the sleeping I do to compensate has other benefits.

Unfortunately, life is back to boring routine leaving little to blog about. The girls went blackberrying again this AM but the berries had passed their peak in the rain and we left with little to show for our efforts (and I fell once). The rain totalled 130mm in my rain gauge. I have lots of pumpkins and the lima beans are climbing vigorously. I had to mow the lawn for the first time in months due to the downpour.

The Imp had her annual vet check and has been put on a diet. I thought she looked a bit chubby and her weight has grown too far. No more "Fussy cat" food for her. Maybe I need to play with her some more.

I have been enjoying the figure skating at the Olympics. I am not officially in any knitting Olympics groups, but I have been charging along on the lime green socks because I can knit on them without thinking. I adore figure skating and we hardly ever see it here in Oz. To make up for that, I am watching all of the cable broadcast stuff, from Estonia to China, seeing all the skaters, not just the top ones which you'd see in the USA. Therefore, I have seen many pairs and men (so far) fall on the ice, which was practically unheard of in the 80's when I was seriously into skating. I have never skated myself, having discovered early on that ice is very hard. With my balance issues (I can't even use crutches) skating would be one big bruise.

I finished Nine Dragons and it was one of Michael Connelly's best. Where Harry goes from here will be very interesting and new territory. I have turned at last to the next S.M. Stirling, The Scourge of God, in his series of The Change. I find them really engrossing and full of detail. The initial trilogy was top notch and I hope he can maintain the momentum. For my BBBB, I have also finished American Colonies and have turned for a change to Eleanor and Franklin, since I realized when visiting Hyde Park how little I really knew. To read in the first page that the Roosevelt ancestor started out in Dutchess County by buying Beekman Swamp, and my great-great-grandfather was born in Beekman, I felt a tie already.

Today you get ruminations of my mind from the past few weeks. I went through a spell of severe depression that lasted a little less than a week. I cannot discern a reason but as one person put it, when the things you enjoy doing no longer give you joy, you know you're depressed. There seems no way out, you are at the bottom of a deep hole and only want someone to fill it in and leave you. I cannot deny that I still grieve for the Bear every single day. The emptiness he left in my heart still hurts. But this was a more generalized black spell when nothing felt right, I hated my job and my life and nothing seemed to be worth waiting for.

Now I feel really good and am revelling in summer in Canberra (no, I don't like 36C but I have a/c now!), watching parrots destroy silky oaks (see right) which are in full bloom at the moment, eating beautiful cherries which are the signature fruit of December, enjoying clear dry days and cool nights. I've managed two full active days and one day of rest for my weekend, so that this week should not be a repeat of the disaster of last. I will promise to remember to take my meds every night and not be knocked out like I was on Thursday (on a day when all power was cut off due to electricity pole replacement). I spent time on Saturday tidying up the berries, which are not doing very well this year because on my neighbour's overhanging shrubbery, predation by possums, and the erratic weather. My tomatoes are doing well and the peas are done. I'll eat the last of them tonight.

I have finished the bag of long brown alpaca. That leaves one full of brown and one of white, and half a bag of black. I will be carding more white soon so I can spin it. I knit for 3 hours last night on the silk shell which I suppose makes some progress although it's hard to tell without measuring. The marker went past my fingers several times so I know the roswe of 220 stitches were going by. Tonight is the season finale of "Glee" (sob!) so it's back to DVDs and Foxtel. I have finally found a mate to go to the movies with on a regular basis and we've seen two movies ("Time Traveler's Wife" and "9") in the past fortnight. Her tastes match mine and she has a flexible schedule. If the price of growing old is getting into the movies cheap I am happy to declare my age! For the benefit of my opinion "The Time Traveler's Wife" was a very literal version of the story told in a linear fashion, without any of the personality shown in the novel. While I love seeing Eric Bana nude, read the book. "9" was another wonderful Tim Burton animated gem that was so much fun to watch and I was just marveling at how one determines camera angles for animation.

I know I need more sock yarn like the proverbial hole but I spotted this on Etsy and couldn't resist. It's hand dyed superwash Blue-faced Liecester, which is one of my favourite wools. From Stash Up Yarns, thank you very much. Meanwhile I am knitting away at some wool/cotton blend socks from Bendigo Woollen Mills. They don't advertise that they sell sock yarn, so you have to hope they have it when you're there. I am also knitting the sleeveless shell out of silk/rayon blend. It's knit in the round in plain stockinette and is rather boring.

The real story here has been the weather and I am soooo glad I got air con installed. Friday we reached 39C (according to my weather station), which is somewhere over 100F. It's gotten somewhat cooler (only 32C today) but the weather gods can't decide whether to give us a thunderstorm or sun. I have gotten all my plants in the ground bar some rhubarb seedlings and mulched everything to keep them cool, damp and snail-free. I won't have any pumpkins this year because they kept disappearing and I gave up. Why rhubarb seedlings when I planted 2 rhubarb roots this spring? They weren't red! This is the second time I've planted rhubarb only to get the variety that isn't red. It tastes the same but it just isn't real rhubarb to me if it isn't red. I picked all the peas off the first planting of peas (Early Crop Massey) and had a feast last night--they were so sweet and tender. The second crop was Dwarf Blue Bantam and they didn't come up so I replanted some of the Early Crop but they are struggling in the heat. The third crop was Tendergreen and they are doing well and filling out their pods now. The asparagus has stopped for the most part. Beans doing well and I must stake the tomatoes. I will have to plant lima beans somewhere when there's room from the peas. My citrus has set fruit but I don't know yet what's what. One of the great vigorous branches it produced turned out to be from the root stock and not the grafted bits, so it got pruned off. I have pots of geraniums and portulaca and hanging baskets of nasturtiums on the back deck. Aside from lots of pruning and weeding and judiciously watering or praying for rain, it's now up to the plants to perform and produce.

Yesterday I got my new awnings installed and they look spiffy. Instead of white with green stripes (or rather grunge with green stripes), I have green with tan and brown stripes. and the side I see from inside is solid green and completely blocks the sun. The funniest bit was the reaction of the Imp when the installer took down the awning of the window she was sitting it. She nearly exploded trying to get away. Since I got an unexpected $900 dental bill (I knew I was going to get a bill but not that much) I may postpone replacing the brush screens at the front till next year.

Today is the anniversary of the shooting of JFK and probably the day a lot of kids my age suddenly entered the adult world. Killing the President of the US is such a cowardly and obscene act and I can remember that day vividly. The principal of my high school told us the news over the PA (I was in Latin class) and that was the first time I ever went to a Catholic church. I think it was Sue who took me with her to pray and light a candle. I was so shell-shocked and that day and the following ones are etched in my memory. I watched a movie last night that J gave me for my birthday because it is a musical using Beatles songs, Across the Universe. The movie clearly showed what the end of the '60's was like for kids of my age, altho J is of a different generation. It showed the hippie life, psychedelia (loved Bono as Dr Robert) and the anti-war protests, culminating in the general university strike of 1970. So much changed in American culture in that decade that many younger people take for granted today, from political activism to feminism to tie-dyed T shirts. I felt truly alive and like I was growing in every way then; we thought we were creating a revolution and I suppose in some ways we did. However, I am not the only person in my age bracket who looks at their present life with a feeling of disappointment. Sort of "Is this all there is?" after a lifetime of work. We thought the future would be different, and it is and it isn't.

This is a catch-up post just to clear my mental decks of bits and pieces. I have almost finished the bag of brown alpaca, at least the flick-carding part of it. I have given myself a few little cuts from errant passes with the carder and they of course instantly got dirty. They are not healing well, although this morning they look a bit better. I didn't card last night but knit socks. No doubt The Imp was glad to have my lap back. I think one more evening of carding and the alpaca will be done. I've found how to fix the carder (I think) so I can start carding white to spin.

I've had a bricklayer in yesterday to patch the holes outside and in. The Imp was beside herself with curiosity with what was going on behind closed doors. He was not the tidiest of men (is there one that is?) and I had a major job of cleaning up bits of mortar left everywhere. It's a good thing the rug in the lounge room is not important.

I've got a quote and put in the order for new awnings out the front. I ordered a canvas cover in green with beige and brick stripes. It cost over four times what it cost the last time to recover the awnings. I wasn't expecting that. I have a quote on replacing the brush fence screen at the front of the house. I like the screen as it gives the front some privacy. Once it's done I can clean out the hole that is supposed to be a fish pond and maybe even get it functioning. That will be the end of my renovations for now. I've spent more money than I anticipated but the exterior will be done except a bit of painting and oil sealing the deck.

We've had lovely warm and spring-like weather and I have all my vegie plants ready to go. I hope I can get them in the ground this weekend. I don't think we will have another frost even if the "official" safe date for planting tender crops out is Melbourne Cup day (1st Tues in November), as Memorial Day was in Ohio. My seedlings of cukes and melons are ready to go as well. I'm missing the heirloom tomatoes, and I especially like "Green Zebra". I still have far too many tomatoes. The citrus is in full and fragrant bloom. The junior plums are covered in fruit. I have one iris in bloom but there are lots in the neighbourhood. I'm tempted to leave notes in the letter boxes of the homes of the best iris and ask for extra rhizomes the next time they divide them.

I had lunch with old friend J (I have a LOT of J's in my life, but I don't want to add names) at Old Parliament House yesterday. It was such a lovely day that we ate outside. They have added a little gourmet kitchen shop with locally produced olives and over-priced eggs. They also had waratahs in red and white and I couldn't resist. They are so spectacular. In the gift shop for OPH I got kookaburra and emu Christmas tree ornaments to add to the menagerie on my tree.

Some of you who are my closest of friends and who read this blog may have been aware that, after my trip to the states last year, I was thinking of retiring back there to be near X2 and the other folks I miss. Due to a large number of things, including the parlous state of the US health system and my complicated medical conditions, I have abandoned that idea. I know what's what here. I still love Australia, while I miss many people and things American. I can only hope my various pensions leave me enough room to take a trip over there periodically. And please, you in the states, you are more than welcome to visit here. The plane trip is not that horrible and the end result is surely worth it to see this astonishing country, if not just me.

Book reports: I have finished both Out of Mao's Shadow and The Age of Homespun. They were both extremely interesting books that expanded my mind considerably and I recommend to anyone. Continuing in my China theme I have started Lost Daughters of China as my BBBB. I am halfway through Janet Evanovich's Fearless Fourteen and Stephanie is certainly fearless as always. As usual the plot is bizarre and the action never stops, nor do the laughs.

A long weekend (Labor Day) and I didn't manage to post. My headaches seem to have passed, so it was probably only a minor concussion which has no care but taking Panadol. I was very tired on Saturday, did a lot on Sunday and paid for it on Monday. I am still very tired and have not slept well in ages. I'm back to the old rotisserie nights when I sleep on one side till it hurts and wakes me up, and I change position until the other side hurts, repeat ad nauseum. I was on my feet a lot on Sunday doing the weekly shopping plus a trip to the local garden centre. I got 2 early tomatoes, just because they might be all gone when I do my major garden purchase. I got lots of peat pellets into which I planted all my tender pumpkins, melons and squashes, those that I must raise from seed because they aren't available from commercial sources, such as yellow crookneck summer squash, fancy melons, etc. Altho I am not sure why I plant fancy melons because I rarely get any results. We have had rain off and on for almost a week which is very unusual, and I hope it means the summer won't be bone dry. I've bit a very large bullet and am installing ducted reverse cycle heating & cooling (a heat pump to the Americans). This is mostly because I am not sure that the furnace has another year in it, and I would really like to be able to function when we have days of 45C. In the past it meant I laid around and perspired, but I could actually continue normal activities with a/c. Plus it adds to the value of the house. Right now it's supposed to be mid spring and we are due for a frost tomorrow, so who knows what the summer will bring.

One of the things Aussies usually have to contend with in spring is swooping magpies, who are only protecting their nests. I have never been swooped and I have lots of maggies in my garden but they also come and help me garden. I'll be weeding away and look up and there's a magpie standing 6 feet away waiting for me to uncover something edible. I had to almost shoo him out of the way of the lawn mower last week (much rain equals much growth of greenery). I also noticed that the possums have eaten almost all the leaves off my climbing rose (Cecile Brunner). I don't think there will be any lasting damage but there are several small birds (wrens, silvereyes) that would like to nest in the protected depth of a rose bush and are now left in a glass house.

I did manage to take 2 computers to recycle and then had a grieving spell for another part of the Bear which has left the building. How can I feel emotional attachment to a computer? Because he lived in front of that computer for years. It had gotten so unstable that I had to delete files en masse becuase Windows crashed so frequently. I don't think anything extremely personal or work related was left and, having seen the mountains of computers at the recyclers, I don't think anybody has the time to revive a hard drive. I forgot there was an extra drive on the system and found a lot of the stuff I wanted to save there. But it took days to do all of this.

Work has been incredibly boring lately and there are many days I just want to take a nap during the day. All I am doing is catalogue the dregs of a private collection (and I do mean dregs) and do authority work. I have been changing subject headings for "handicapped" to "disabled" for weeks. There are so many different headings and so many with subdivisions that it's never ending. Yes, there is a global way of doing this but I don't have access to the software, and those that do are too busy with more important things. I used to say proudly that I love my job but not so much lately. I am also being moved to a (potentially) much noisier location without my consent or even being informed which annoys me. My boss usually keeps me in the loop but not this time.

Knitting has taken a back seat to spinning. I've plied the sock wool, and am spinning the batts of alpaca I had carded. There is so much left to wash and card that the mind reels. I'm going to have to devote evenings to picking over alpaca to wash or I will nevet get it out of plastic bags and turned into something usable. I keep finding things I could weave if I had the time which is also annoying, and another reason for wanting a/c.

The damage to my car has been repaired and I have my darling back, but ever since that seemingly minor bingle (a minor accident, one of my favourite Aussie terms), I've been getting headaches. Nothing blinding, no signs of anything wrong in my back or neck. I am seeing my GP this week so I'll ask if there is any test I need. Maybe just a very mild concussion but it takes the edge off my view of the world.

The weather here has been bizarre. We've gone from highs of 24C to a high of about 8C yesterday, gale force winds, rain, dust storms (we made US national news I hear), and snow in the mountains. Poor Floriade must have their blooms a bit tattered. My apple trees and pear tree were getting ready to bloom but I don't know that they will pop until it get warmer. It's kept me out of the garden even tho the lawn needs mowing badly. My peas are up and I am enjoying asparagus.

I was hoping to get in the studio during the enforced indoor spell but instead I have been wrestling with the Big computer to get stuff off it so I can take it to recycle this week. Since it crashes every time I do anything, this takes a while. I've also spent time shredding 15 year old bank statements and other such antique documents. I'll have lots of mulch for the garden when I'm done, but these activities took most of yesterday.

I have been spinning Robin's wool and have a bobbin full. Time to ply my blue sock wool. I have knitted one round of the fair isle vest. I got the Dover reprint of Alice Starmore's Fair Isle knitting book which gave me some ideas about what to do about steeks espicially for armholes. I've done about half the top of one of the new socks.

Music is very important to me and I am firmly still age 18 when it come to most of the music I like. X2 and I were moaning about having to buy all the Beatles albums for the third time (vinyl, 1st gen CD and now remastered). We also were enjoying Cheap Trick's live performance of Sgt Pepper. A very satisfying product, considering it has never been performed live in its full form. My tastes lay mainly in power pop and what apparently is called emo because it expresses feelings. My iPod is full of bands like the Honeydogs and Five for Fighting but I'm a big fan of Eskimo Joe and Coldplay as well. I got out the Bear's big Altec Lansing sound cancelling headphones and spent yesterday listing to music while I shredded. I am bemused when iTunes classes some of my music as pop, some as rock, and some as alternative and I don't think there's that much difference in style. It's not like I was listening to Mariah Carey or Metallica. I'm always looking for indie bands and Notlame and CDbaby are favourite hunting grounds.

The Age of Homespun is not what I was expecting. It is a response to a speech, given much after the colonial and Revolutionary days, that romanticized the days when women did spinning and weaving to clothe their families. Her method is to take an exhibit of early New England artifacts and analyze both the object and its construction and its place in the social and economic life of the people who created them. For example, an Indian made purse with porcupine quill decoration leads to a discussion of the level of skill not only of the creator of the item but of the Native Americans the new settlers came in contact with, and a discussion of how the two groups interacted on many levels. There are lots of quotations from diaries showing, for example, how women would spin or weave for each other, would buy commercially prepared (imported) cloth for their Sunday best but also wove acres of homespun for domestic use. A father left his land to his sons but his movable property to his daughters and was careful that each daughter had both linen tablecloths as well as more mundane textiles. This is a scholarly work with much research evident behind the text, but it makes fascinating reading for anyone interested in textiles.

On the light side of reading I have been going through S,M, Stirling's alternative history trilogy that begins with Island in the Sea of Time.

I was out exploring the shrubbery in the front yard and discovered that our flowering peach was in bloom. Most of the time it looks nearly dead but then it surprises me with blooms. It never should have been planted under the towering street tree, but I'm thankful it's alive and still produces blooms. The flowering quince is also in bloom; there is a red one planted way too close to the letter box and various self seeded salmon-coloured ones around the rest of the front. The juniper is gone completely now, leaving me with a pile of wood chips to move. Then I'll find out how big a hole I've got to work with. I will need a deciduous shade tree there to protect the living room windows from afternoon summer sun. I may get a new awning to match the others over the other west-facing windows. The fabric on them is probably 12 or so years old and has gotten grubby. Note: do not buy awning fabric that is chiefly white. It won't stay white. Next time it's green with white stripes instead of the reverse.

The week started off with me being hit from behind in the stop-and-go which is Parkes Way on a commuting morning. I lost the light over my number plate (license plate) abd I couldn't tell what happened underneath. So Friday I turned my dear red car over to the insurance people and am driving a rental Yaris which I loathe. For one thing, there's no place to put my left foot. It's an automatic and the supposed place for a left foot must hve been designed for a pixie so it forces my ankle into an uncomfortable position. It also doesn't like going up hills and I have a rather high one between me and the city. This should only last a week (please).

Having picked up said rental car, I went over the the ANU to get my latest addition: a 16-shaft table loom which cost me all of $200. It seems that they are upgrading their looms and selling off the old ones. Once I cleared off the door (table top) in the studio, there is barely room for the 2 table looms. Once I get rid of or stow the remaining junk, I'll post a picture. I've brought the spinning stash in from the deck and moved an old bookcase from the computer room to house coned yarn. Seeing it there makes me want to weave instantly, but of course, the garden has first priority at this time of year. I'm cutting asparagus and weeding mostly. Something has been eating my heirloom strawberries and I don't know who.

On the knitting front, I've swatched and am ready to cast on a simple shell in Ella Rae silk & viscose which is a lovely dusty rose colour. I finally got the right size needles out (altho I worry that they won't be long enough for the task) and cast on the fair-isle vest. Having finished a pair of socks for me I cast on another pair, also Regia cotton/wool blend this in the cream to light brown range.

It struck me this morning that I have been living by myself for over two years, which is longer than I ever have before. I've learned to get things done even tho not to the standard I used to have when the Bear took on some of the more labour-intensive tasks, like mowing the lawn and grocery shopping. I'm preparing to recycle the Big Computer that was his plaything leaving me with just the Macbook. I've made two major purchases now on my own, a new car and a new computer. If I can maintain strength and energy, I can continue to live like this life. Two years ago I felt completely helpless. It's now my junk that clutters the table and my dirty clothes I must wash. It's a miracle to me I'm still alive. Don't think I'm not grieving because I see him everywhere.

This is a post to try and make it up to all you loyal (?) readers of my earthshattering prose who have been denied that pleasure for so long. I have no excuse except life got away from me and there was always something more pressing (not more important) that had to be done even if it turned out to be sleep. I did myself in a couple of times in the past 2 weeks and therefore lost a couple of days of "normal" life. So here I am with a brief summation of what's been happening here. As you can see, I finally finished Cables After Whiskey and I am very pleased with it. The sleeves are slightly short (I never remember that my arms are longer than the norm) but that keeps me from getting wet in the sink. It's not too heavy to wear to work and I've gotten quite a few compliments on it. The next project is either a cabled zip-front jacket-type thingy or a fair-isle vest. I have the yarn and pattern for the vest but the pattern is written for back and forth knitting and I want to knit it in the round and steek it (EEK!) and I'll need some thinking for that. I have the back of my ribbon shell finished and have cast on for the front. I am spinning Robin's wool (why would one thing it odd to be spinning while watching Pink videos?). I've sold the big loom and have taken it apart for transport by its new owner. I wish so much that I could have used it but the knees are just not up to it. I actually spent some time in the garden today and planted out spinach and silverbeet (Swiss chard) seedlings. (Side note, The Imp is in my lap and keeps trying to get up where she can climb up me and the Macbook has a very sensitive track pad that she keeps stepping on). The asparagus is finally manured and mulched. I have strawberry plants from Diggers to plant may tomorrow if the weather permits. We've had a very unusual winter so far with many gloomy cold days and quite a bit of rain. I did see snow on the top of Mt Ginnini yesterday but there have been days when the mountains have been invisible due to low cloud. My arthritis protests.

For BBBB, I finished reading Mother Tongues, and am reading Green Thoughts by Eleanor Perenyi, which is about gardening and feeds my desire to have a decent garden this year. I hope the forecasters are wrong about predicting we are going into an El Nino season because I had my fill of hot and dry last year. For non-boring, I am reading Orson Scott Card's The Worthing Saga and am struck once more how effortless his prose flows and how quickly he draws you into his plot.

This week DMIL is coming down from Sydney and we are taking the Bear's ashes up to the family plot to be next to his grandfather. I think he would have liked that and I couldn't think of a suitable place here. Since this is the only communication I have with his children, now they know as well as the rest of the world. The second anniversary of his death hit me much harder than the first did and I was overcome with black feelings that escaped the box I try to keep them in. I do miss him tremendously and still think he'll be there when I wake up in the morning. Nobody can ever feel another person's grief because it derives from a shared life but 58 was way too early to die. Maybe that's why I can't sell the land in Victoria: his soul is still attached to it and hasn't let go.

Otherwise life goes on. I go to work, I do grocery shopping, I do laundry, I cook and clean up the ensuing mess. The Imp is now asleep as I type but we both need to go to bed. I do have an old friend in my life who has returned to keep an eye on me and make sure I take care of myself. A side benefit from my trip to the US was many revived friendships and this one seems to be important to me.

Somehow I managed to forget to take my evening meds TWICE this week, resulting in me missing two mornings, one work and one today (Sunday). I really don't like this. I feel like the time has been ripped from my hands and time is something I cherish. Time when I feel strong enough to get out and about, to actually do some things I had planned, to go to the Old Bus Depot markets which had their wool day today. Not that I need more wool, but they also sometimes have other bits & pieces that I like to collect like antique needlework tools or old pattern books. I also wanted to pick up some carpet pieces to repair the Imp's scratching post which is in sorry shape. She uses it, but then she uses other things as well, from the carpet in the lounge room to the tapestry chair.

Instead, when the headache had retreated to annoying rather than skull-splitting, I got up and made some progress on moving all files of use from the Big Computer to my new MacBook. (It needs a name, doesn't it? I'll have to ponder for a good apple name. Winesap? Here in Oz, Macintosh is an heirloom variety which seems odd to me.) I deleted a lot of files from the old computer, printed out a lot of knitting patterns that had been languishing, copied files to the MacBook, downloaded some freeware book-keeping software to replace Quicken, but I haven't trying the export and import of Quicken files to a new platform. As far as I am concerned, once that's done, I am no longer tied to the Big Computer for anything and it can go to computer heaven or hell. I only had to reboot it twice and once I had to unplug it in order to restart it. Think it's past its use-by date? No doubt the Bear could have patched and supported it but I am just not up to it.

I've plied the Wendy Dennis Polwarth and I managed to get some very long colour changes that actually matched up in plying so there will be stripes! I am more than halfway down the foot on the first of a pair of Opal socks for my boss. I had no idea from the ball of wool what would come out as a pattern, but I get several inches of a caramel-ish brown, then a blue stripe, a red stripe and a yellow stripe and then back to brown. Nothing that the ball announced. No doubt if I'd looked up the colour number I'd have known, but I just let her pick from about 6 different yarns.

Swans news (yes I now I haven't posted anything in ages) They won last night! Beat the Weagles by 5 Points! And I didn't watch! As a matter of fact I was already feeling unwell enough to go to bed at 9PM. If Essendon loses today, we'll be in the 8! I don't believe that this will be a tremendous season, just one to trial a lot of young players and give them more match experience. We can't rely on Goodesy forever. The membership department had to rely on Expresspost to get Canberra members their membership package and gave us our caps for free along with a min-scarf with suction cups, which is now in the back window of my car. If I clean the thing off well enough I will put the new season Swans bumper sticker on, as well as the Carolina one I picked up in Chapel Hill.

I am beginning to get back into the daily routine of my life, whether it's going to the mall for Medicare refunds, or going out to lunch with a good friend. I did both today, I will have to see if I am exhausted tomorrow or not. A lot of walking done which is good exercise but can inflame the angry leg muscles.

For any of you (besides my step-daughter) who read my blog and are interested in the saga of the superannuation, conciliation did happen (perhaps because I said it wouldn't, which by the way, was the assessment of my contact at the Tribunal, not a personal opinion). We met sort of halfway so I get enough to secure my future while hopefully meeting some of the needs of the children. I am glad it's over since it has been hanging over my head for nearly two years. I can now get some income from depositing it somewhere, and also make the repairs to the house that need doing. I've already started by fixing door latches and getting quotes to replace the front entry porch, which is falling apart and has no real steps, just piles of bricks. I need new carpet in the dining room which would mean emptying the china closet, which is not a small task. Then there's new fabric on the outside awnings.... I could go on.

I saw the surgeon today and, while he mimed mock horror at my not using crutches and driving early, he also was pleased with my progress. I can't wait for the other knee to be eligible but it will probably be this time next year. I no longer trust the intact knee to support me and revel in being able to do things with the new knee that were impossible just 6 weeks ago.

I found stuffed in my letterbox a box from Amazon with the latest in C.J. Cherryh's Forigner series, Conspirator. The Bear and I would practically arm wrestle over who got to read the latest. I am sorry he's not here to share it but this is one series I will hold on to. I love novels of culture contact, and speculative fiction regarding humanoids much larger than us, coal black with amber eyes, with elaborate courtly manners and singular bloodthirstiness, is just too juicy.

My final admission is I am writing on a new platform. I purchased (on credit) a MacBook last weekend. This was partially because Windows mangled the loading of iTunes, completely cutting me off from the application and the library. Della also had the type worn off some of her keys and the finish worn off the surface. She had also started to develop flakey system problems, the same type that have crippled the big computer. Without the Bear here to fix things, I had to move to a simpler system where I didn't have to know how to rub cleanup programs or download updates every week. I am even getting used to the whizz-bang new track pad, which I thought I'd never do. It is incredibly fast and the screen is crystal clear.

We have a three day weekend (4 for me) and I hate to say it but I slept most of it away. Yes, I had a cold which I think is 95% gone. I was in deep chesty cough mode yesterday but better today. I polished off the last of the plums and blackberries by coming up with a plum & blackberry conserve. It's got an interesting flavour since it's mostly the intense sweetness of the plums with the odd tart explosion of a blackberry. All the canned goods are labelled and in the boot of the car to take to work tomorrow for the annual charity sale.

I wish I knew why I have been so crushingly tired that I have slept so much. I worry that I won't be able to pry myself out of bed tomorrow but it may just be my normal mode of curing a cold. It's just that sleep produces no concrete results as in clothes ironed, dishes washed. A bit of vacuuming hardly stems the rising tide of clutter. I keep reading uplifting words about decluttering your life, but I seem to fail to find the nerve. I have come to the extremely painful decision that I am selling the big loom. It is a countermarche which requires a lot of on the floor tying-up and fiddling and my knees will never be good enough for that. The surgeon says kneeling isn't on the cards even after surgery. It's beautiful and I love it, but I have to get realistic about space requirements and the probability that I will use it regularly.

When it comes down to it, I have too many things in my life already that I really want to give time to but only do so at the sacrifice of something else. I love to cook, for example, but end up microwaving a frozen dinner because I wasn't thinking about cooking when I should have in order to have something to eat at mealtime. I'm trying to stick to a diet to lose as much weight as I can by surgery day which, for me, takes a lot of the fun out of life, because I love food, cooking, wine, and all its associated rituals, flavours, smells, equipment, ad nauseum. Telling me to eat fish and vegetables every day, which is certainly healthy and I like eating fish, but it gets boring real quick. I love good bread and bread is a no-no. I cheat occasionally and get a loaf of sourdough from the supermarket but I would rather make it, Some how that seems like a bigger "sin" that buying a storemade loaf and nibbling on the thinnest slices I can cut. Eating well should not make you feel guilty all the time. I have my mother's genes and there's only so much I can do to fight that.

Enough ranting. As you might gather I am not all that happy with where I am in my life, physically or emotionally. A lot of inner turnoil that I don't care to expose here and feeling too old for the ideas I have in my head. Why didn't I do these things when I was younger? You younger people! Go out and do something you've always wanted to do but have been putting off, even if it's just going to a place you've never been before in your own town. You might discover new platforms to take off on new ideas.

Swans news: They Won! I watched a DVD and checked the score now and then (after last week's debacle I didn't dare hope they could beat even Fremantle). And they almost didn't. Trailing into the final minutes of the final quarter and Goodesy did some magic with the footy (as one of the commentators narrated the replay it was "show it to them in this hand, show it in the other, then kick a goal") and a win!. It does show how pathetic they can be without their stars and I hope they are cooking up another batch to fill in Mick's & Goodes' shoes. We have a few promising ones up front and some half decent backs but there's nobody in the middle with the skill and tenacity of Kirk and Bolton. But then I never thought they could play well without Kell, and they managed. Tonight it's Geelong and I don't expect miracles

I had a long day yesterday: GP at 7AM (to join the queue not actually see him) where we have to plan how I can get enough of my meds when I take The Trip, to the markets, to the hardware store to buy a new drip hose, to the chemist, out to lunch with J, home to work on the rose bush and I finally got the potatoes planted. Bintjes, 8 little darlings. The soil in that corner could use some breaking up below the top 8" so they better do their job. As expected I was sore all over and very tired the AM, especially because I couldn't to sleep for all the aches, until I had a glass of sherry at 1AM. So I slept in and then went to the grocery store. No need to buy cat food anymore since The Imp actively rejects wet food. She did like the roo I gave her and even did a bit of play with it--tossing it up in the air, etc. She has gotten very vocal since she became ruler of all she surveys. Greets me every time I come home with a tone that has a deep note of "why did you go off and leave me all alone? Pet me NOW!" There was a very noisy cat fight some time in the night so she has taken over the role of seeing off strange cats. At one point she was sleeping right up in my face and I could feel her breath. And her whiskers.

I think I'll give my body the rest of the day to heal and work on indoor projects. Move curtain rods. Take a nap. I started the pattern part of CAW and misread the instructions so had to frog the first row and I was too tired to concentrate on a second go. Now that we are getting the US So You Think You Can Dance 3 nights a week, I can't watch dancing and knit complicated cables at the same time, but there are plenty of commercials to knit in. We are approaching a local election and the ads have started. I found out from the guy handing out leaflets at the supermarket that it's while I'm away so that's another thing to do before I leave.

The hit counter has broken 10,000 so it seems like you missed me.

This self-censoring has taken all the fun out of the blog. I hope it will be over soon, but it may be just as I go overseas and then who knows what I will be able to do. In preparation I have been drafting a new will which will go to the Public Trustee since I wouldn't want to burden anyone I know now with estate business. I also now know how important having a will is.

I have planted both apple trees. I attempted to divide the rhubarb but it was so entangled that trying to separate it broke off big pieces of root. I will have to replane as that rhubarb has been underperforming for years anyway.

Lyrica does wonders for pain but nothing for fatigue. I am totally exhausted and come home and take a nap most days. That's what I get for not resting when I can.

Swans news: they played absolutely horrible football and lost to the Bulldogs by 16 points. They shot off to a great start and then apparently sent in the evil twins or the reserves of the evil twins because after that they didn't know what to do with this funny ball that occasionally came their way. Drop it, mostly. It was disgusting to watch and the lack of Goodes and Mick showed how bad they can be. Yes, Roosy, I know they are young but still... J and I even left the match in the beginning of the 4th quarter as it was so painful to watch.

I am going to try and get gauge for Cables after Whiskey as soon as I finish J's bed socks which are 3/4 complete

Apparently Blogger lost my last post, which probably just as well because it was full of anger and spite. Last week was a very difficult one for me that sucked the emotional well dry, leaving me anxious and painful in mind and body. While it may be of little interest to my readers I want to say a few things about my spiritual life.

I was brought up very happily as a Congregationalist. I did all that a child could be expected to do: Sunday school, singing in the choir every Sunday, youth group, retreats, summer camp, the lot. In my senior year of high school I lost my connection to that tradition. It was partly due to reading about other ways to be spiritually fulfilled, it was partly disgust at my father's hypocrisy at being a deacon and behaving in an unChristian manner, it was partly just that I no longer believed that I would be spiritually fulfilled or "saved" by performing certain rituals, saying certain words in certain places at certain times. I know my friend J who was brought up in the church nor my dear MIL who is still a Carmelite will not only disagree with me, but try to convince me that the ritual isn't what it's about. If it isn't, then I don't need the ritual. I have always felt most as ease in my connection to God?, the great spirit?, the universe of love? when I have been alone in the natural world. I do believe there is a higher plane but I don't believe in any of the mythology of any organized religion. In fact, the organization of religion is what lost me to the Church.

I have mentioned in the past my trying to live a Buddhist life. By that I simply mean the "be here now" part of it, not hours of meditation on the Tibetan scriptures or kneeling (sorry, no kneeling possible) in front of a golden statue. It is about meditation in removing your mind from the messy bits of daily life and calming your inner self. I am really bad at it and, if I ever manage to make to that calm place, I usually fall asleep since I am continually tired. Most of the fibromyalgia books suggest meditation as a relaxation tool, and I know it works at that but I'd like to get good enough at it that I can stay awake, alert, connected to the world but let the annoyances and pettiness of daily life wash past without arousing anger or anxiety which usually cause tense muscles. I've got quite a library of Buddhist/Zen books, the latest being Awake at Work and I've only read the introduction and know I need more training. My outward manner I know shows good humour, cheerfulness, flexibility and a desire to perform whatever job well. Inside, however I am often churning with resentment beginning with forgetting my lunch, through to the person who pulled out in front of me in traffic and continuing to be told to catalogue a book I think worthless. It extends to my poor typing ability, my frustration with my poor sight, the creakiness of my knees, the exhaustion at the end of the day, just the fact that I will never be pain free. Yes, I hear you, it would take the patience of a saint to live cheerfully with that, and I am not anywhere near a saint (if there are such things). Perhaps I just long to be more "saintly", to accept the life of pain without it dragging my conscious mind along, so I can really accept the pain and learn not to fight it. I do fight it so much and feel guilty when I don't do all the tasks life throws at me, whether it be work or housekeeping. The garden is the only place I really don't mind (except mowing the lawn) because it's where by some magic, my conscious mind goes away except for the low mutter of "need to prune that back, how can I keep the snails out of the silverbeet?, will I get good strawberries this year?" I beat myself up and feel guilty when I am forced to take a sick day which is silly. My life is full of "if only"s and "I ought to"s which are walls preventing me from experiencing the now.

Today's now tells me I moved furniture a bit too much in cleaning yesterday and I need a bit more sleep. I can't be in the now while I'm asleep which is maybe why I resent needing so much of it.

All I seem to think about these days is money. I went to a retirement planning seminar at work and they had a few exercises for you to do on budgeting and planning expenses and the reality of losing the Bear's salary became very graphic. I will have to tighten the belt further. Good thing I decided not to get my knees replaced. Fortunately there is nothing I want to buy, not even books. I have enough of all my art materials and books to last me quite a awhile and podcasts are free and that's what I listen to most of the time. I can't afford to retire so I better hope that Lyrica doesn't show any nastier side effects than I've seen so far (nausea). I can easily not pay attention to nausea because it's an old friend with chronic pain. I have an ophthalmologist appointment tomorrow to inspect my retinas for damage and look at my corneal grafts to see that they are OK. I hope I can get a ruling on swimming because I would really like the chance when I go on holiday later this year, and so far I've been under the warning that I shouldn't because the risk of picking up an infection in my eyes is too great.

I've been knitting the Komi hat. 7 repeats of 30 stitches in four-ply colour work. It takes a while to get around 210 red and white stitches. Progress is slow but steady. Nothing else being worked on.

Got new strawberry plants in the mail to replace some that always go to nothing after a few years. I wish I could afford a tree pruner in to take out a few dead trees, and perhaps the monster juniper at the front door which is starting to heave the pavers. But then I'd like to repair the front verandah before somebody falls through it but not without money.

I'm sick. Just a cold which, as usual hit first with my losing my voice. There are, I'm sure, people who rejoice when I can only whisper or croak, but I didn't get the chance to have anybody I know gloat at me today. I was supposed to go to a wine & cheese tasting held by the Canberra branch of the slow foods people but I didn't think that would be very productive, in the sense of meeting new people, when I couldn't talk. Besides, of all the local wineries possible, the one chosen was 3/4 of the way to Goulburn and their reds cost the earth (that's what they are famous for) and I can't drink red wine (instant migraine). I did get up and go to the chemist (needed a script filled today) and dragged myself through the supermarket (needed cat food). And find myself standing there debating the pros and cons of bathroom cleaners (store brand vs.brand name vs. "green" vs super-powered and the prices of each) and wonder why do we have to have a choice of 15 bathroom cleaners? Is this what keeps the great capitalist economies turning over? Why do I feel the need for ethical debate with myself over every item that I buy? I cannot raise all my own food even not eating and red meat except for kangaroo. (And don't get me started about the people holding candle-lit vigil because the navy is "culling" kangaroos on their land in the middle of Belconnen because the roos have overpopulated and are in danger of starving to death. Have these people seen the daily road toll in kangaroos on the main road I drive to work? Last time I counted 6 dead in one 5 km stretch. They are starving and trying to reach feed). I do try to buy and eat local, but all fish comes via the Sydney fish markets, all apples are out of cold storage, well, you get my drift. I really think and care about these things but it can all get a bit overwhelming at times.

I have been knitting hats. Don't ask why, don't know. Produced 2 and gave one away and am now back at the Komi hat out of Hat's On! which has Turkish inspired colour work on it and so far so good. Spun a bobbin of dusty rose BFL. Will do another & ply. The first 100% alpaca yarn looks acceptable and I'm pleased with myself. Must spin more to take on the trip for BFLB.

Round 9: We won! I had a few panicky minutes there when I doubted, but we beat Port Adelaide in Adelaide. I only watched the second half and I hope it wasn't screaming over the footy that brought on my sore throat. The cats had forgotten what happens when Mummy watches footy and exploded off my lap when I yelled when Mick kicked a beauty. There was also a segment on 60 Minutes about poor old rugby league losing territory to AFL in Sydney. Boo hoo. Big boofs. AFL is so much more fun to watch that no wonder people love it and there aren't many rugby league players in SA or WA or Tassie, just NSW & Qld. Now that is being challenged and they are worried that their "crowds" of 16,000 matches attendees will dwindle even further.

I read Abby's ode to her mother and was so touched. I wish I had an inspiring mother whom I wanted to say such nice things about. I loved my mother very much but she had many flaws. She did fantastic needlework and I was taught to sew as soon as I could hold a needle. I went from making doll clothes to making all my own clothes from Vogue patterns when I was in high school. I made numerous quilts, mostly sold or given away, lots of cross stitch (ditto). She taught me to knit and crochet but never taught me how to read a pattern so I was OK as long as it was rectangular. She did beautiful crewel embroidery (there is a bell pull with pansies on it in front of me) and knit me sweaters I still wear (except she refused to believe my arms were really as long as they are so the sleeves are usually short). She was also an excellent baker and I still can't match her pie crust. I think she would have been a better cook if my father didn't have such a limited menu of dishes he would eat. When he was away we had forbidden luxuries like lasagne. I am sorry she waited too long to go to the doctor about the lump in her breast so she died at the relatively young age of 74. But she also had schleroderma and it was beginning to cause her problems with her eyes and internal organs and I am willing to bet that got no sympathy from my father. Is there a genetic link that ties into my RA? Who knows. She was equally unhappy with our forced move to Florida but she had a knack for making friends that far exceeds mine. I was shy and convinced I was stupid and ugly and fat so making friends was not my strong suit. I hope she would have been proud of me and I wish she had been happier.