Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Contrary to the tone of recent posts, I am not all that chirpy. I find myself desperately keeping busy so I can't stop to think and then get exhausted. Even pretty mundane tasks have a heavy emotional load in the background. I get weepy at least once a day and today it was in the middle of weaving class when I realized there was no-one at home I could enthuse to, that he would not me picking me up from class, that I was making plans that he wasn't part of. It's at times like this when the sledgehammer hits my heart again and if in public I lose my composure. I may have 30 years ahead of me without him and I just can't come to grips with that idea. He was going to be with me forever; I would die first. After all I have the compromised immune system, am always falling and will break something one of these times, I have accidents with knives, probably should not be driving at night, even back and forth to ANU. I am the accident waiting to happen and he was my rock. My very sanity often literally depended on him comforting me. I can get seriously depressed and he would know what I needed. What will I do now when the blackness closes in? Admit myself to hospital and be tainted by that in my medical record? I know I've got lots of people around me who care about my but they aren't my Bear.That's the base line that I don't know how to live with. Yet. I hope it's "yet." In the meantime my total inability to concentrate tonight led to a zillion mistakes in my warp probably rendering it useless to the other people with whom I'm sharing warps. It's one thing to mess up your own warp but we are sharing warps in this class. Plus I am always extremely slow at threading so everyone else is ahead of me. I'll have to go in early next week and make up time.

Poor Penny is in hospital overnight. Her cough has been getting worse and I wanted more tests run. She may have lymphoma, but we won't know until she has an ultrasound tomorrow and gets test results back. She has no other symptoms besides the cough, has a good appetite, is still as affectionate and hefty as ever, but the cough has been gradually getting worse. She's almost 16, which according to the chart in the vet's office is 80 in people years. It may be a slow decline as I would have little means to try and medicate her on my own; she's too big and way too ornery. I think Chi needs a "normal" cat as a playmate, something like a tuxedo cat or a tabby, maybe even a boy now that they seem to have fixed the male urinary tract problem which plagued my first two cats.Somebody to sit on her when she gets too rambunctious. She is sleeping on my left arm and dreaming of eating something; much lip smacking and chewing going on.

Saving the best for last, although one can never tell with ebay whether this transaction will go according to plan, I bought a serious loom, an 8-shaft, 12 treadle, sectional beam countermarch beauty which in the photos looks very Scandinavian. It is in Melbourne so I will have to get it shipped back here and it will have to go into storage until I get the household rearranged and have room for it. I've decided to make the back bedroom into my studio and move all the fibre equipment out of the various corners I've stuck it in and have a nice sunny room with room for a loom or 2, my sewing stuff, stashes, and reference tools.I will still spin in the lounge room, and knit as well but the drumcarder doesn't have to be in the dining room, does it?

No comments: