Sunday, March 30, 2008

What's my excuse this time? I have none. I have been tired, in pain, grieving, busy with all the dumb things we have to do in our daily lives. I had a spell of not sleeping. I have a chronically sore right thumb that I got X-rayed this week although I think it's "just" arthritis. I have been going in later to work which my body appreciates but I don't like sitting in traffic for 25 minutes to go 3 kms. And going in late means I work later and barely am home, changed clothes and read mail before I am into making dinner, feeding the cats, etc. The Senior cat continues to deteriorate, coughing spells last longer and sound more painful, she has ceased washing herself and only lies in the dining room or the computer room in the sun all day and my lap at night. I briefly got both of them in bed with me (if they can't see each other they can pretend they don't know) the other night. I can tell by the way the SC walks that she's in pain. I hope she makes it through my trip. I've also been working on trip details, getting in touch with old friends and figuring out dates.

Grieving: still hurts deep in the centre of me. It's also loss--that part of my life is missing. All very tender areas I can't dwell on without crying and so I tip-toe around the edges, knowing and acknowledging the sore place but not poking it to make it blot out the sun. Strange as this may sound, I've gone back to wearing make up. In my old life I wouldn't even go to the grocery store without eye make up. Here, as part of a unit where I was loved for the essence of me, not so much my appearance, and I didn't care what anybody else thought, I stopped the routine. A photo taken recently revealed that I have no eyebrows and my features seem to have disappeared. Being a single (well, there is nobody I'm a part of anymore) I feel eyes not seeing a couple but a single. Perhaps it's vanity in my old age and more wrinkles than I had a year ago. So now I have a collection of potions and such that add to my getting ready to face the world time, but give me a little more self confidence in being a single, an atom split from my molecule. Now to sound utterly vain but I don't think I look my age and if I can shed the last 10 kgs I will feel even better about my Self, my Individualness, my Aloneness, the outer shell the world sees.

I have been busy stripping wallpaper from what will be the guest bedroom and I'll go back to that once I post this. I have almost warped my loom for second time. The bathroom renovations are scheduled for this week.

I am spinning my free fleece, which is so soft delicious merino. I am knitting the Mountain colors socks (did some of that during Earth hour last night). I have 2 side panels to knit for the Sakiori II vest from Folk Vests and then the collar after I put it all together. The yarn is bulky so it goes quickly. I broke the yarn diet that I have been on for over a year and bought some 90% silk yarn from Elann, as well as some Berroco Cotton twist which I love and is not sold in this country as far as I know.

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