Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I am slightly less depressed than I was last week. I still feel like I have no goal, no path, no future with an expected or wished for outcome. Still just going through the motions. I managed to recover from my fall and then overdid pruning back the jungle between the back shed and the fence. Lots of lampant berry bushes, ivy, wild passionfruit, wisteria and privet. And since the trashpack is full I had to leave it where it lay. Emerged to be sore the next day and my hands covered in scratches. I need to get a new pair of leather garden gloves since I wear through them so fast.

I read Sherri Tepper's Sideshow while I was recovering and it was not very interesting compared to other of her works. Too much unnecessary complexity and weirdness seemingly for it's own sake. I also have a quibble with the Great Question which drives the culture(s) she describes, which is: what is humanity's destiny? "Destiny" to me means a final outcome, like I am destined to be a musician. She really meant (I think) what is humanity's purpose? which is an entirely different kettle of fish and the answer seemed to have been to become more than human. Humanity wasn't destined for that but that was its goal, its next step in evolution. And the need to tell the story through hermaphoditic siamese twins I really don't understand. Like I said, unnecessary complications.

I also took a stab at Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture, which was touted as being so insightful and thought provoking. I found it full of platitudes and written by somebody who had never had a single obstacle in his life until he got pancreatic cancer. One of the first chapters is called something like "choose your parents carefully" and he had lovely parents who encouraged him and discussed things in ways that were verified by dictionary and encyclopedia and, not by "because I said so" which is where our family discussions usually ended. My father was very domineering and his opinion was the law. Ever when I was an adult and he was in his 80s, if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes it didn't exist so I gave up on trying to tell him anything, even that there was a new store open down the street. He'd tell you about it with great delight but wouldn't believe you if you saw it first. I'm not very good at lying or pretending to go along with somebody who obviously wasn't listening. There was no dialogue, no conversation, just his word and your acceptance. Randy excelled in school, had a great job, married the first person he fell in love with and sounds like an all round nice guy but he didn't pass on any gems to me that weren't common sense. But then, common sense isn't common, is it? The book apparently was to provoke parents to talk to their children, but it was a bit late for me. I can't even remember any childhood dreams except wanting to be a cowgirl when I was 5. I've always wanted to learn new things, but that wasn't inspired by my parents who never rewarded me for good grades or academic achievement (and I had lots but they were never good enough). I just like learning and I like to read, one "good" factor from being an only child from the age of 9 and having parents who were a generation older than my friends'.

Now that I'm counting down to my trip I am doing things like booking airport shuttles and arranging for car hire pickup etc. I am also trying to get the house sufficiently clean so I am not consumed with guilt when the house sitter comes. I've decided not to do anything to the garden before I leave and plant it out (late) when I get back. I wish I could do something about the gross carpet in the dining room but have no money to do so. I wasn't going to do anything while The Senior Cat was alive since her had a habit of upchucking in there. Her ashes are to be returned to me tonight and she can join the ashes of Lucy, my dearly reparted Burmese, in the kitchen breakfront. The kitchen vinyl flooring is also full of holes but again waits for funds. I can only clean. I also have every knitter's dilemma: what projects to take with me. Socks of course. Cables After Whiskey? Maybe. A smaller summer top? I'd like to start it before leaving so I don't suddenly realize I don't have the right needles or it's got some other problem I can only solve at home.

Swans news: We're in the finals, but I don't expect us to last long even playing North at home (Homebush). J and I decided not to go, to save money and to use the time more productively at home. With my luck they'll be in the Grand Final and I fly away that weekend.

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