Tuesday, April 15, 2008

This is a reflective post since I have been thinking about my emotional and physical condition, what makes me happy, why I feel so bereft at some times and not others, trying to "be here now" without saying "everything hurts." My ethics lie somewhere between the Golden Rule and striving for enlightenment Buddhist style. This is very difficult sometimes when I'm in pain. I've surrendered to the vertigo and hired a painter to do all the painting that needs to be done to make the place habitable. I've lived surrounded by the former owners' aqua enamel on every paintable surface for too long, and I'll admit I am not able to do it myself. A simple decision but one to make without beating myself up inside about tasks I "should" do myself. I am aging. I'm not good on ladders; don't feel guilty or self indulgent. I do need to be more active and hope that I can get in the garden and do more physical stuff without cutting a hole in myself or straining my knees. Knees. Should I get them replaced? I did a bit of exercise in the stacks today and they really complained. Of course the OH&S folks say I shouldn't use footstools but they didn't offer any alternative when I need stuff on the top shelf.

My heart is in my fibre stuff but I never seem to have any time for it. I get 2 hours of watching TV with 2 cats on my lap in the evening. That is usually spent knitting or sometimes spinning. My loom has been warped for weeks and I haven't thrown the shuttle once. I have a huge bag of alpaca to card and other bags of alpaca to wash, not to mention a black fleece in the stash. All my stashes are bursting at the seams and I have plans for all of it and what I lack is time. Should I surrender to retirement because I can at my next birthday? But I do love my job and the people I work with and I'd miss all that. I don't understand how anyone could ever be bored. My social life is also on the go with friends including me in outings so I'm not always at home watching the Imp playing with a twist-tie in the new bathtub (she loves bathtubs). There are online communities, both Ravelry and the yahoogroups that I could read and respond to if I had time rather than skimming and deleting as I do now. I'd like to meet more people online since I find that a perfectly reasonable way to have a conversation. It's how I met my Bear after all.

And then there's the Bear. I still feel like a part of my physical body has been hacked off. A loss of part of me, not a separate individual. I found a copy of Alice in Wonderland in Latin in the stacks and my mind went to how much fun we would have had with that and how many catch phrases would result. As I've said, I've never lived alone for this long especially not without the prospect of change, but from here I can't see where or why I need to add courtship and a new man in my life. Except for things when brute strength is required or handyman skills (not something the Bear had unless it was electronic) I don't see the need. It's a pain but I can put out the rubbish myself. The specific things I miss are idiosyncratic to him and I doubt are duplicated.

So here I sit, debating being in the now, understanding my own mental state but very uncertain about my future. I am a planner but I don't know what to plan for. Perhaps being in the now is all I can handle right "now". Makes me antsy but there is nothing more I can do and if I can maintain my consciousness and awareness, that might be a sufficient goal for the short term. Watch this space.

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