I know I promised to continue my blog last year and I didn't. No excuses but laziness and depression. Ok, I'm coming out with it and laying it all on the table. I have fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis, which I have never hidden but have not been up front about up until now. Along with those diagnoses goes irritable bowel (frequent pain in my lower intestinal area, sometime associated with diarrhoea and sometimes triggered by specific foods or just by stress), bruxism (chronic grinding on my teeth, leading to dental problems, and headaches), insomnia (treated with super heavy duty sleeping pills that don't always work like tonight) , muscle pains that are sometimes unrelated to physical activity, and many other minor ailments. I also have a congenital eye condition that causes warpage of my cornea and the treatment of that is extremely complicated and the remedies give me irritated eyes and headaches. I had a nasty bout of staph a few years ago which left me with a permanently disabled right knee to add to the mix. This post is to get all the stuff I've danced around out in the open.
I used to be a morning person who got out of bed at 5 AM to go out walking for physical training. Now I can barely drag myself up at 10 AM, usually because I didn't get to sleep before 2AM. Plus fibro results in "nonrefreshing sleep" meaning you wake up feeling worse than you went to bed. You ache, you're stiff, you're fuzzy headed and you just want to go back sleep, which I do now that I'm retired. I feel energised about 2PM. I'm planning trip to the U.S. in May with my best friend and ex husband, JD. He understands where I am coming from through long conversations and a multi-year cohabitation. He also knows that sometimes just knowing there's another person there is all the support I need. He need do nothing more than let me sleep when I need to, and drive me around. We share a lot of the same interests and past.
Depression is either a symptom of or side effect of fibro. It bothers me off and on. Some days I wake up in a deep funk. Some days it creeps up on me. It may last a day or a month. There are some coping mechanisms that sometimes work. Other times I retreat to my bedroom and cuddle my cats, who love me regardless of mood. The new addition, a Burmese kitten named Max is a source of cheap entertainment and is very affectionate.
I post this to let my friends know why I don't keep up my blog, why I don't always go out when I probably should. Why I hide under a rock a lot. Life isn't fun a lot of the time. If it gets really unbearable I will take things into my own hands. I would never do that without leaving the house in perfect shape, and without making arrangements for my darling cats, who I love more than any humans. I made a commitment to life by getting a kitten and I intend to provide him with a loving environment as long as I am able.
Please know that if that day comes sometime in the next 20 years and I decide I have had enough, that it's nobody's fault. I have no family to concern myself with. I have lots of friends but they are largely scattered over the northern hemisphere and I only see them when I force myself on them. When I can no longer travel, there will be less and less to keep me here. If anyone would like to adopt two Burmese cats, speak up.
I will keep going as long as I find the slightest reason to get up in the morning. But don't condemn me when I give in to the unrelenting pain and dark skies. In the meantime, I garden, spin, knit, read, go to the movies, watch TV drama, cook, and love traveling to the States or anywhere else. As long as I can manage airports I won't stop