Monday, January 07, 2008

Scrap all that stuff about being brave and putting on a happy face and being a role model for chronic pain. Today I'm a mess. I miss my dear Bear so much and trying to get his stuff ready to move (should the furniture movers actually show up this time) just brought back so many memories. I can still hear his cheesy jokes and our own secret language of movie references, fractured French/Spanish/Latin, set pieces rolled out for occasions, etc., his funny faces and cuddling arms, his demand for one last kiss before I left for work. All that loaded on a day of incredible pain that none of my drugs helped. So I lie in bed when the outside temperature is around 34C and try to read or sleep or resist the attentions of very hot cat who wants to curl up with me. I am so lonely in this house and while I have lots of friends, they aren't here all the time like he as. Am I supposed to go on grieving forever? Find a quick replacement (I'm too old to train a new husband)? When will the heartache be bearable? How do I cope with this loss on top of a painful condition like FMS? It is all too much for me some days. I'd give anything for another day with him. I'd give anything for a day without physical pain. Neither seems likely. The only way I function is to build a wall around him and a wall around the pain in my mind. I doubt that's the right thing to do according to mental health professionals and look what happens when the walls fall down. Please let this pass and give me strength to go on living tomorrow and put today in the past.


happyspider said...

I'm so sorry. Wishing you comfort and strength. Penny

Jan said...

As Penny said above, comfort and strength. Grief is a process, quite often much longer than we think we want. But time is needed.

There is a small book by Mal McKissock, published by the ABC and found in their shops which may help. About $10. It's not a quick fix type book but I found it useful and helpful and need to re-read it. Towards the end it has some suggestions which many have found helpful Not all suggestions will suit everyone. The one I found helpful was to do something nice for myself every day. That thing can vary, candlelit bath, good wine, cup of coffee with friend, sitting in the garden, whatever. A treat for yourself. I found it a gentle book in its approach and quite readable.

Best wishes to you.